"What Goes Through Your Mind: On Nice Parties and Casual Racism"

"Every Asian American has fielded some variation on “all look the same.” As racial microaggressions go, it’s common as dirt. I know I should be able to come up with an answer, something brisk and witty, and bury this moment in the same place where I keep all such awkward memories. But for some reason, my brain just won’t cooperate. My face is burning, my heart pounding too loudly, and it’s painful to even consider making eye contact with anyone at the table.

I know I embarrass too easily. But I assumed I was safe here among family and friends, which makes it all the more unpleasant and jarring to be reminded of my difference as this woman perceives it. I’m upset with her for shattering my comfortable, happy holiday feelings; for bringing my race to the forefront when I had assumed it was irrelevant on this night, in this company. I’m upset with her for forcing my relatives and my spouse and my kids to witness this, even if they have not all registered my humiliation...

I’m uncomfortable right now, sure — terribly so — but does that mean I have the right to make everyone else uncomfortable, too? Do I really want to force all the people at this table to choose sides in the ultimately unwinnable “was or wasn’t it racist” debate?... The truth sinks in: I am the only one who can make sure that everybody keeps having a good time."

http://the-toast.net/2016/01/05/what-goes-through-your-mind-casual-racism/

This is why people are scary, and why it's so important to actively know that you can trust people.

When college activists ask for safe space, it's spaces where they can relax knowing that stuff like this won't happen. It's basically asking to get to be white - a white person in America doesn't have to worry about these moments, doesn't have to suddenly be flooded with emotions and responsible for the emotions of every one around them and abandoned by their closest loved ones and then have to stay and smile and make nice for another few hours and then never really trust happy, calm spaces ever again.

I am extremely lucky to have a strong group of friends who I have known a long time and feel a lot of love for and who I don't worry about losing, no matter how geographically scattered we become. But. My friends are mostly white and not all of them are people who think about race and I doubt that many of them think about having a responsibility to protect me from racism in the same way they might protect me from a creeper on the street. It's a devastating moment to realize that you are so alone in a moment that everyone around you wants to pretend it doesn't exist.

Related: Friendship, race and knowing your place; realizing white liberal friends are racist

FB: Everything in here is so real. So real "The social pressure on people of color to keep the peace, not get mad, just make sure everyone keeps having a nice time — even when we hear these remarks in public, at our workplaces and schools, in our own homes and from our friends’ mouths — can be overwhelming, bearing down on us in so many situations we do not see coming and therefore cannot avoid. What does our dignity matter, what do our feelings amount to, when we couldembarrass white people we care about? When our white relatives or friends or colleagues might experience a moment’s discomfort, anxiety, or guilt?"