"Three Months Without Breathing"

"Women are socialized to swallow pain with a smile. We are taught to put ourselves last and others first, to make the dinner and then serve ourselves the worst cut, the most nourishing morsels reserved for those we do and should love more than ourselves.

Like many women, many mothers in particular, I’d had the fantasy of a mysterious ailment that would send me on a hospital vacation. I’d get sick, but not sick enough to die, just sick enough to have to rest and have someone else do it all for me. I’d get a few weeks in a bed somewhere where other people brought me my meals and no one needed me.

After my illness, it struck me: why did my fantasy of relaxation still require me to suffer? If I was daydreaming, why not make it a solo vacation I’d take after winning the lottery or something? Why did I need an excuse, even in my own imagination, for wanting some time alone, some time not serving others?"

https://medium.com/the-archipelago/three-months-without-breathing-b52c58781e9a

This is a beautiful series of vignettes about a woman's illness. 

I have so much appreciation for breathing right now.

This - "I believe my body more now. I rest before I’m fully exhausted."

Related to: Grand Unified Theory of Female Pain

FB: "There’s something in this: learning to breathe, learning to take up space, to ask for help. Learning to embrace self and selfhood. I love my children and my husband, but I don’t want to be second to them in my own life. I don’t want to teach my sons to expect women to serve them first, or to teach my daughter that she must shrink herself and her words to please others. And I need to remember that my individual example isn’t enough to counter all of the other messages my children will be receiving. My husband never wanted a silent wife or a household drudge, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t imbibing poisons from a culture that still suggests these extremes as ideals alongside other pernicious sisters, like the sexy wife and the financial helpmeet. All of these Perfect Women exist to serve the changing needs of others."