"Friendship and Race and Knowing Your Place"

"Rules for getting along with white people, practiced (sometimes consciously, but often not) from early childhood until my twenties:

Always sound reasonable.

Never sound bitter.

If they ask whether you think something they said, thought, or did is racist, the answer they’re looking for is No.

Don’t remind them that you’re different.

If differences happen to come up, act like they don’t matter.

If they seem to accept you, feel grateful.

For those who truly believe themselves to be “colorblind,” there may be no person of color more approachable, more accessible, than a transracial adoptee. I’m not one of you, but I was raised among you. Who else could be more inclined to sympathize with, give the benefit of the doubt to, well-intentioned white people just trying to make sense of this perplexing “race” business? I can’t possibly have a chip on my shoulder if nice white people adopted me. I can’t be one of those angry hyphenated Americans if my assimilation began just weeks after my birth."

http://the-toast.net/2015/01/26/friendship-race/view-all/

A phenomenal essay about being the only person of color in many, many social situations from elementary school to adulthood - social situations where it is impolite to be uncomfortable and definitely impolite to be thinking about race. And then trying to reclaim yourself and grappling with those childhood relationships.

This - "For years I had believed that if I talked about race, I would be setting myself apart from everyone else I knew, drawing a line that no one who loved me wanted to see or acknowledge".

Also - "I wonder how many of my relationships provide safe ground from which people can claim not to be racist" actually a thing I sit up at night worrying about.

When did we decide that the only way for someone to notice race is in a racist and terrible way?
When did we decide it was the person of color's responsibility to present whiteness (because let's be real, post-racial really justs means white) in order to make everyone else comfortable?

Growing up, there were zero models for productive conversations about race. We need a kids show that helps kids have conversations about race and difference that don't focus on, like, a white person feeling good about themselves for asking a person of color about their favorite "ethnic" foods - that are, instead, are a person of color telling others about some of the things that are hard, and then receiving compassionate support.