"Years later, I realized the abuse was less in the act I had been subjected to, and more in my learned silence. De-escalation had been my trick, to the detriment of my agency.
A blog entry from last fall put this into words for me. It made me realise that women around me had been doing for years: de-escalating situations caused by men, with the burden of minimising incidents being placed squarely on our shoulders.
Occurrences could be as mundane as a street catcall, as infuriating as a sexist comment at work, or as troubling as an unwelcome physical touch. Occurrences also include compliments we have to decipher (just nice, or suggesting an expression of male ownership over our bodies?).
To the initial weight of having to deal with those acts of dominance is the added mental drain of having to evaluate how best to deal with it and not risk a violent backlash. De-escalating is just another form of the “emotional work” women provide with little recognition of its ongoing exertion and toll...
When she tries to explain the toll of such experiences to men, she says it is so exhausting she feels “it’s not even worth the effort half the time”.
“They don’t get it. It’s just not a reality for them.”
Hardikar, the health worker, adds: “There is a construct within masculinity that teaches them that they have the right to exert power over any space … It’s about demonstrating who is in charge in that space. I am sure that it’s subconscious, but it is learned and it is taught.”
FB: "“If someone compliments me, tells me I am attractive or whatever, I reply, ‘OK.’ It works for me.” Hardikar says she does not want to say “thank you” to something she is not sure she feels thankful for, but knows that for her own safety, she must express acknowledgement."
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