"I began to feel the effect in my work not long after the stories about Harvey Weinstein broke, with a noticeable uptick after a report on the comedian Aziz Ansari. Though the accusations against famous men were in one sense far from the people I saw, they were relevant to the questions they often brought to therapy. Why did they so misunderstand the women in their lives? Why were they often being accused of hurting them?...
The majority of men who enter my office appear either flat and emotionless or superficially engaged but hiding behind impenetrable niceness. When I ask a man, for example, how he feels when his girlfriend says, “I’m so upset, I can’t even be around you right now,” I usually get an answer like “It’s frustrating.” That’s a word that is used a lot yet conveys essentially nothing. Most men have spent little time with their feelings and have very limited vocabulary to describe what is going on in their hearts.
A newly single photographer has done such a good job of disconnecting from his feelings that he can’t ever really tell if he’s had a good time on a date. An investment banker in his 40s offers a weak shrug when I ask him how he feels when his wife lays into him.
FB: "I have found that for many men, underneath the anxiety that is always humming along are layers of shame. Shame at having feelings at all, shame because they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, shame that they are not men, they are just boys.
Shame is the emotional weapon that allows patriarchal behaviors to flourish. The fear of being emasculated leads men to rationalize awful behavior. This kind of toxic shame is in direct contradiction with the healthy shame that we all need to feel in order to acknowledge mistakes and take responsibility"
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