"When people responded at all it was to say something like, “I don’t think it’s my place,” or “I’m not really comfortable.” I was falling apart and my community was afraid of being uncomfortable. Two friends of mine, Lyndsey and Melody, checked in, got me out of the house, let me know that they cared. I will love them until the end of time for that. But time and time again I ran into the wall of apathy that said, “this is where we stop. This is the limit of how much we can invest in your humanity.”...
People fuck up; it’s natural. And when we deal with topics as fraught as race, people fuck up a lot. But when you are a person of color in a white majority country, the fuck-ups that cut into you are relentless and unavoidable...
You should hear them say, ‘this matters to me because you matter to me. What hurts you hurts me, and I’m here for you.’ And that hasn’t happened for you, just as it hasn’t happened for so many people of color in this country. And it’s not okay. And if you are feeling hurt by that, it is a valid way to feel. Because it should be different, and you have the right to expect more...
if you say something, say it because you love that person enough to risk that particular pain — the pain of realizing that they do not see you and will not risk the discomfort of seeing you. Do it for people who are worth the one in 10 chance that they will respond with the love you need."
Yes, this.
I'm going to be very honest, I have very low expectations of my white friends. They have complex, demanding lives and its totally reasonable that it's not their priority to be able to find the mindset where they can be the support that I need. They are surrounded by people like them, and have been their whole lives, so it takes an active and prolonged effort to imagine what it would be on the outside of that, it takes a lot of emotional energy to be able to engage with pain when you don't have to.
It hurts a lot less when I remember that.
FB: I'm sorry, this will make you cry "And that is what we do. With every confrontation, every call-out. We are saying, “I know that this is likely to hurt me, I know that I will likely be the one hanging. But I have to look down to see if the bridge is still below me, even though I know that if I don’t see it, I will fall. Because I love you and I need you and I need to know if we are standing on anything real at all.”"
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