"Finding my Way Black"

"I was not innocent when it came to perpetuating racism. When my friends asked me what my type was, I would say, “I like white guys,” bragging at the end, “I’ve never hooked up with a black guy!” I, too, referred to the group of black students at my high school as “the ghetto clique", even though their parents lived in mansions and drove luxury cars. I would roll my eyes when a black kid acted up in class, but laugh when the white kids did. I came up with wittier answers for questions my friends had like, “Duh I’m wearing sunscreen, what do you want me looking like a Nigerian by the end of summer?” or, “I’m not close with my dad’s side of the family so I’m not really black.”

But the truth is I was Black; and I was treated as such whether I wanted to believe that or not. I was always the one getting reprimanded for talking in class, and in college I was even arrested for drinking while my white friends, who were with me and also drunk, weren’t. My mom finally said to me, “Alyssa, you have to be more careful. People are watching you.” “Why, because I’m a young lady?” I asked. “No. Because you’re black.” What! No I wasn’t! If only they know me, they would know I was an upstanding citizen, a sweet and lovable girl-- they would know I was the opposite of black! At that moment I was faced with my reality, and I knew I could no longer deny it. Black. I’m not black, I’m mixed. I’m better than black. Yes, I am a step above the worst possible thing I could be: colorist, instead of racist, yes that’s what I was; because mixed, although part of my identity, was a lie. I am not mixed because to say I am mixed is to say I am not black. And I am black. I am white, and Japanese, but I am black, and now I am proud...

I had to grapple with guilt, and I had to let go of a new type of anger that arose when I realized how the world had kept me down."
http://theodysseyonline.com/vcu/finding-my-way-black/271026

mmmmmm. mmmmmmmmmm

Related: Other essay; Friendship Race and Knowing Your Place