"What do we do? We mistrust the victim’s account. We ask for photos, proof, and chapter-and-verse not so much because we disbelieve him or her but because we want bad behavior to show in obvious ways that it doesn’t. We want the home in which the abuse occurs to look as squalid as it does in our imagination because the décor and furnishings, perhaps even the fresh flowers in vases, belie what went on. We think we’re being fair and impartial but we’re still scanning the horizon for those tell-tale black hats...
Again, our black hat stereotypes rule: We not only require consistency and clarity but discount the degree to which person abused is in love with, in thrall to, or otherwise dependent on the abuser. We think of abuse as a 24/7 thing without understanding the extent of the abuser’s manipulations or how loving someone who hurts you perverts the most meaningful exchanges in life. Again, our blinders are set to judge without taking into account what research knows about the cycle. It’s important to remember that the person being abused still wants something from the abuser—most usually love—and that makes the dynamic all the more confusing."
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